last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
