She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
