the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
