I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
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