Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
