Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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