i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
