Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
