I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize