Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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