I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
