i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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