I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
