I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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