You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize