my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
