my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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