I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
