the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
