eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
