Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
As shirtless as possible
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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