If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
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