Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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