I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
honey bunches of taint.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
