i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
