we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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