Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
