I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
