Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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