I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
