3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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