Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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