when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
