i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
