He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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