I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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