I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
