alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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