Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
