i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
