Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
