I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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