I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
