Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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