tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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