Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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