Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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