Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
