in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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