walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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