How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
