Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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