Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
