Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
