did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Well I just put wine in my tea
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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