well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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