i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
