dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
