Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
