Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize