Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
