I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
