I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
try to milk me bitch
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