If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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