just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
