Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
