I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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