My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
