and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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