drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
