onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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