there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
