Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
