She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
