I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
