Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
