Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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