I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
